Hey, everyone!
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It’s Colleen again coming at you with another peer advice question. This week, our question is:
🌈PEER ADVICE: I have been in a relationship for several years, since college. I feel like I have become too co-dependent and sacrifice my own interests for hers (not because of anything she did, I’m just a people pleaser who is impressionable and too “go with the flow” at times). I need to discover who I am on my own and be true to myself.
How can I discover who I am and be more independent without hurting or taking away from my relationship? Books? Podcasts? Activities? What resources helped you discover/create yourself?”
One reader says this: “It’s ok to do things alone or with just friends. Go to a solo dinner or movie, or go shopping, or find a hobby you enjoy doing by yourself or others. I think foremost never forget your own strengths, independence, and passions. And always be honest with your partner. It’s ok to do things separately.”
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I think this reader really hits the nail on the head. It’s completely healthy and normal to do things separately from your partner. After all, you’re not one person; you’re two whole people who join together to make one relationship. Finding space within the relationship for yourself and your independence is critical to the health and happiness of your relationship.
The key is to remember what makes you, you. Remember your strengths, passions, fears, and go from there. Do you love an artist she can’t stand? Try going to a concert alone, or bring different friends.
Another reader says this: “Meditation. Introduce yourself to yourself.”
It can be overwhelming to re-learn things about yourself. Chances are, you’ve forgotten what alone time with yourself means, who you are, and what you want. Taking a moment to get reacquainted with yourself, with your wants and needs, is an excellent starting point on your journey of finding your independence.
My advice? You don’t have to make monumental changes all at once. If you live together, start by saying you need more alone time to feel fulfilled in the relationship and find times when you can have alone time at home while she goes to work or hangs out with her friends without you. Start with a few hours alone a week and if you need more, communicate that you need more time to rediscover yourself. Try to remember activities that used to bring you a lot of joy when you were single and go from there.
If you’re worried about hurting her feelings, communicate to her that everyone needs time to themselves and time to grow as a person independent of the person they’re dating. Who knows – your girlfriend may surprise you by feeling similar feelings. All in all, when you take time to strengthen your relationship with yourself, it should strengthen (not compromise) your relationship.
We hope this was helpful! As always, keep submitting your questions to us on our Facebook page, and we’ll have the community weigh in on their advice!
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